YOUR MIND

Embraceable You

Your new outfit draws a compliment from your husband...but you wonder if he really means it. The mere thought of walking into your boss's office and asking for a raise makes you break out in hives, even though you know you deserve one. And you envy the colleague who handles praise—and criticism—with poise. How do you develop a healthy sense of self that will insulate you in potentially difficult situations? Try these tips. Be realistic. Nobody can be good at everything, psychologist Kathleen Vohs says, so stop trying. "I'm a good research psychologist, but no one would want me as a therapist. And that's OK." Recognizing other people's strengths can improve your relationships. Retrain your brain. If 39 out of 40 people in a room are smiling, but you focus on the one frown and take it personally, you may have some bad thought habits. Researcher Mark Baldwin has co-designed Internet-based games that he says can retrain a negative brain to think positively. Go for the real deal. Researchers continue to dissect different kinds of self-esteem. "You know people who feel good about themselves and interact positively with others and do well," says Kathleen Hoffman Lambird, a PhD candidate in psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles. "Other people who feel good about themselves seem puffed up and obnoxious." Her research shows that the second group might feel more insecure than they generally reveal, which makes it harder for them to admit their faults when they feel threatened. Ask yourself where your own self-esteem comes from, and don't be afraid to seek out a therapist for more help. Think we, not me. Stop worrying so much about how things reflect on you, University of Michigan psychology professor Jennifer Crocker says. "Focus on what you can create, contribute, or give that's good for you and other people," she says. "Self-esteem is going to follow from that without any effort." So will greater ease with your own mistakes, she says, because failure doesn't mean you're worthless. That's a freeing shift in mindset that makes the world more exciting. —Emily Sohn has written for U.S. News & World Report, Science News for Kids, and Smithsonian, among other publications.